The Winter of My Contentedness, Part 2 continued
CHAPTER SIX: MANTRA
As I move along the path of my “3-part growth plan” there have been unexpected turns. My friend Sarah*** recommended this interview with Maria Popova. I read Jill Farmer’s book. I binged every episode of a podcast about slowing down. I took a Mark Manson quiz. And I escaped to LA.
The Mark Manson quiz asked me to ask myself, “What is true about me now that would make my 8-year-old self cry?” I closed my eyes and pictured 8-year-old Mallarie. I looked down at her and said, “You’re very practical now, Mallarie.” And she cried.
Dear 8-year-old self,
I am sorry I made you cry. Let me explain.
20 years ago I took charge of a struggling arts magazine. The editor was burned out and ready to fold. I took over and since then have been a 100% serious, hard-working, pragmatic adult. The weight of the world was on my shoulders and I did not have the tools or knowledge to shake it loose. I just held it there, put my head down, and kept my feet planted firmly on the ground for the next 20 years. I neglected my physical and mental health. Relationships were strained. My only refuge was travel, and that was often for work too.
I hope you understand my reasons. I would like to make it up to you if I can.
Sincerely,
43-year-old Mallarie
To start the reconciliation with my 8-year-old-self, I let my mind wander while flying to LA. I had nonsensical, trivial thoughts that were untethered to anything tangible in my life. As my thoughts swirled aimlessly, really cool things revealed themselves, like...
My husband’s hobby is collecting hobbies. He needs hobbies like he needs air to breathe. I love and admire this about him, but… “What do I need?”
Answer: I NEED to travel.
Or...
“When was the last time I actually listened to a song?” Like, when I was a kid, I would listen to music and pay attention to the way it was written and the way it made me feel, etc. As an adult, music, television, and now podcasts and audiobooks, are just background noise while I check things off my To Do List.
These “sign posts,” and other unconscious messages along my path, converged to a single point with 1 big glowing sign on the horizon that read…
Relax. Calm down. Enjoy the moment.
CHAPTER SEVEN: MY BEST SELF
Think about a time when you believe you were your best self. Now think about asking 15 other people to do the same for you. Did your heart jump into your throat? Mine did when my leadership coach recommended the Reflected Best Self Exercise.
For months I talked to many friends about it, knowing they would help put me at ease. One friend said 12 perfect words to me exactly when I needed to hear them...
Christine and I were the first to arrive at La Luz de Jesus Gallery. As I floated through the gallery absorbing as much as I could, I think Christine caught a glimpse of 8-year-old Mallarie because she said, “This is when I’m seeing you at your best self.”
Therein lies the point of the Exercise. It is a rare opportunity to see yourself through the eyes of your loved ones.
3 weeks after returning from LA I had my “best self” responses from 17 friends, family, and coworkers of both my past and present. They ended up contributing finishing touches to a self-portrait I have been painting since I started my "3-part growth plan."
The portrait illuminates everything I have been and everything I want to be. It shows all I sacrificed for my career and how those sacrifices may have actually sabotaged my career in some ways. It shows a woman who rarely basked in the glow of her accomplishments, or sat quietly in peace with all of her gifts, or took time out of her day to check in with the people who loved and supported her. It shows a woman who neglected her 8-year-old-self and pushed splendor and wonder aside so she could Get. Things. Done.
It showed a woman who needs to Relax. Calm down. Enjoy the moment.
CHAPTER EIGHT: GOING BACK TO CALI
LA met my expectations in some ways. The trees were palm. The weather was sunny. The homelessness was an apparent problem. It exceeded my expectations in others. I breathed freely. My friends did not seem to mind driving. The people were youthful and pretty, as well as nice and hardworking. And I had a new LA to believe in where celebrity sightings are just a day-to-day occurence and the number of inspiring and exciting things to see and do take a lot more than 2 days.
I plan to go back and finish the list I started and have since added to...
- Chinatown
- Little Tokyo
- Art museums, outdoor art, street art, the lights at LACMA
- Griffith at night
- A live show
- A movie at Hollywood Forever Cemetery
- The other Time Travel Mart
- Watts Towers
- Mosaic Tile House
In the meantime, I will open myself up to the world, and...
Relax. Stay calm. Enjoy the moment.
***Sarah was my roommate in the circus and we shared a suite with Christine.